Collected Stories of Jack: A Christmas Story
by SerpentotheElves
Summary: Pirate Christmas songs, poems, and short stories. Two years later, and I'm still updating!Rating went up due to the gravity of the eunuch jokes. :3
1. 12 Days of Jackmas

A/N: The long awaited Christmas Song that I wrote during school! ;-) If you're lazy like me, you could just read the last verse… wink and don't forget to review! It will be followed up by more Pirate-y Christmas fun! If anyone has a place on-line for the original "Night Before Christmas," could you send it to me at please? Thanks!

Disclaimer: I do not own POTC, or any of the characters, and I do not own the tune/format for the original song!

* * *

On the first day of Christmas my pirate gave to me:  
_A psycho monkey in a palm tree!_

On the second day of Christmas my pirate gave to me:  
Two rusty swords,  
_And a psycho monkey in a palm tree!_

On the third day of Christmas my pirate gave to me:  
Three big hats,  
Two rusty swords,  
_And a psycho monkey in a palm tree!_

On the fourth day of Christmas my pirate gave to me:  
Four one shot pistols,  
Three big hats,  
Two rusty swords,  
_And a psycho monkey in a palm tree!_

On the fifth day of Christmas my pirate gave to me:  
_Five kegs of rum!  
_Four one shot pistols,  
Three big hats,  
Two rusty swords,  
_And a psycho monkey in a palm tree!_

On the sixth day of Christmas my pirate gave to me:  
Six ships a-floating,  
_Five kegs of rum!  
_Four one shot pistols,  
Three big hats,  
Two rusty swords,  
_And a psycho monkey in a palm tree!_

On the seventh day of Christmas my pirate gave to me:  
Seven golden coins,  
Six ships a-floating,  
_Five kegs of rum!  
_Four one shot pistols,  
Three big hats,  
Two rusty swords,  
_And a psycho monkey in a palm tree!_

On the eighth day of Christmas my pirate gave to me:  
Eight dancing eunuchs,  
Seven golden coins,  
Six ships a-floating,  
_Five kegs of rum!  
_Four one shot pistols,  
Three big hats,  
Two rusty swords,  
_And a psycho monkey in a palm tree!_

On the ninth day of Christmas my pirate gave to me:  
Nine golden earrings,  
Eight dancing eunuchs,  
Seven golden coins,  
Six ships a-floating,  
_Five kegs of rum!  
_Four one shot pistols,  
Three big hats,  
Two rusty swords,  
_And a psycho monkey in a palm tree!_

On the tenth day of Christmas my pirate gave to me:  
Ten talking parrots,  
Nine golden earrings,  
Eight dancing eunuchs,  
Seven golden coins,  
Six ships a-floating,  
_Five kegs of rum!  
_Four one shot pistols,  
Three big hats,  
Two rusty swords,  
_And a psycho monkey in a palm tree!_

On the eleventh day of Christmas my pirate gave to me:  
Eleven saucy wenches,  
Ten talking parrots,  
Nine golden earrings,  
Eight dancing eunuchs,  
Seven golden coins,  
Six ships a-floating,  
_Five kegs of rum!  
_Four one shot pistols,  
Three big hats,  
Two rusty swords,  
_And a psycho monkey in a palm tree!_

**On the twelfth day of Christmas my pirate gave to me:  
Twelve leather boots,  
Eleven saucy wenches,  
Ten talking parrots,  
Nine golden earrings,  
Eight dancing eunuchs,  
Seven golden coins,  
Six ships a-floating,  
****_Five kegs of rum!  
_Four one shot pistols,  
Three big hats,  
Two rusty swords,  
_And a psycho monkey in a palm tree!_**

* * *

A/N: grin Wasn't that fun? Review! I want lots of stories of how you printed it out and showed it to all of your friends and went caroling house to house on Christmas Eve and old ladies threw moldy cheese at you! Not that I want you to be plummeted with moldy cheese… cough 


	2. The Night Before Jackmas

A/N: Aahh… The joys of school-written fics. Anyway, here's part two of the Jack holiday special! We'll try for twelve chapters, but I somehow think that it might not happen… this year. MUAHAHAHA!

* * *

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ship,  
Not a pirate was stirring, not even Bo-dip.  
The bandanas were hung by the keel with care  
In hope that Cap'n Jack would soon be there.

The pirates were nestled all snug in their beds  
While visions of murder danced in their heads.  
And 'Lizabeth in her nighty and I in my cap  
Had just settled down for a warm Caribbean nap.

When out on the deck there came such a clatter,  
I rose from my snogging to see what was the matter.  
Away to the peep hole I flew like a flash  
And tore up the planks with one violent slash.

The moon on the chest of the cursed monkey, Jack,  
Turned the shiney-ness of the ocean black  
When what to my eyes would appear through my glasses,  
But a miniature ship, and eight tiny asses.

With a odd-looking driver, with dreds to his back  
I knew in a moment it must be Cap'n Jack.  
More rapid then monkeys, his donkeys they came  
He shouted and yelled and called them by name.

"Now BLACK BEARD! now BONNY! now MORGAN and SELKIRK!  
On, BLACK BART! on BONNET! on ROGER and FRAN DIRK!  
To the top of the mast! to the top of the hull!  
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!"

As fast as a canon the lil ship did fly,  
Up past the crow's nest; mount to the sky,  
So up to the top as fast as a flit  
Cap'n Jack flew with all that toy shit.

And then, with much cursing, I heard on the roof  
The clucking and pawing of each donkey hoof.  
As I drew in my head and was turning around  
Then, through the window, Captain Jack did bound.

He was dressed in all vintage from his head to his foot  
His face was scratched up and covered in soot.  
A bundle of arsenals he had flung on his back  
And he looked like a pirate who towns he did sack.

His eyes--how they glinted! His beard--how hairy!  
His hat was like leather, his sword--how scary!  
His rakish little mouth was drawn up in a smirk,  
He looked way too good for midnight, the jerk.

A bottle of rum he held tight in his teeth  
He swung around his sword and took off the sheath.  
He had a wind-scarred face and dreamy eyes  
With a strong upper body and perfect thighs.

He looked me up his down and his tonguedid click  
And muttered a word quite like "eunuch."  
He smiled all sadly and gave my back a pat  
Then opened his bag with stealth like a cat.

He said no more words, but went right to his work,  
And filled up the bandanas; then turned with a jerk.  
Giving me a nod, he jumped through the glass  
And made a dramatic bee-line back to his ass.

Jack jumped in his sleigh and his donkeys took off  
Circling the moon like a rabid moth.  
But I heard him exclaim ere he drove out of sight:  
"LIVE, FROM PORT ROYALE, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!"

* * *

A/N: Wow, that was harder to write then I thought… Which is why there's a few kinks in it, like Will wearing glasses. I don't want to hear any of it in the reviews… I know I made a oopsie. Anyway, REVIEW! 


	3. What Stud is This?

A/n: Yeah, I know it's not as good as the others, namely The Night Before Jackmas (perhaps my masterpiece!), but hey. An update's an update, and it's not so bad. shrug Made ME giggle.

Behold, What Stud is This, to the tune of What Child is This!

* * *

_What stud is this who did pass out  
__On mine own lap and is drooling?  
__Good Navy, fear, for Jack Is here,  
__And the Black Pearl's pace is grueling._

_This, this is Captain Jack,  
__Whom eunuchs fear for all they lack.  
__This, this is quite a stud,  
__And his face is oh so hairy._

_But now he stands on unsteady feet  
__And he hiccups and turns to me.  
__His eyes, how they glisten with pirate pride  
__And he mouths "I need to pee,"_

_Yes, yes, he's a rude bloke,  
__But my flames of love he's started to stoke.  
__I know, I know he puked on my shoe,  
__But he's hot, so what can I do?_

_I bid my Will a fond farewell,  
__Whether he realized only time will tell.  
__I married Jack by the inn's caterer,  
__Jack was drunk, so I'll tell him later._

_Will, Will, what could I do?  
You know I'm a slut, I could never stay true.  
__Jack, Jack, nine inches long,  
__But Will, my dear, you have none._

_But now the Commodore walk by  
__This humble inn where Jack and I lie.  
__Looking at he, then at me,  
__The noble seaman doth cry._

_My good Lord, this city here  
__Is full of eunuchs who cannot hold beer.  
__But Jack, kind Jack, he is a stud  
__Who could drink all of Noah's flood._

_Today I leave to sail with he,  
__Nothing and no one to bother me.  
__Just me and my pirate until we die  
__Or until I find a new guy._

_A really hot Navy guy._

* * *

Two years have gone past since my last one… Hopefully I'll keep going. I probably will… What Christmas thing should I do next?

I've noticed that in those two years, I've gotten meaner. I'm sorry to all of those who are going to say something like "RAR ELIZABETH NO SLUT" etc. etc… Hey, it's funny. ARTISTIC LICENCE!

Review if you liked it :3


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